Pool Fool
In an attempt to make myself slightly more attractive I sometimes head out to my apartment complex's swimming pool. I always do this during the day on weekdays because A) it's no fun hanging out by the pool by yourself in the dark (and it's against pool regulations) and B) it's a lot less crowded than on the weekends.
I don't have a lot of issues about my own body, so it's not that I mind there being other people around to enjoy my comically lanky physique. Instead, for whatever reason, I operate under the assumption that if I take a deck chair immediately next to someone (even if it's the only one left available at a crowded pool) they will immediately assume that I am a perverted lanky person who is out to rape them. This is not a rational thought. I have not polled people on this issue. Nevertheless, it is the basic assumption under which most of my pool etiquette operates when I'm just a lone guy at the pool. Everything I do has to be very kosher and all of my behavior has to be very purposefully antithetical to any kind of behavior that a casual, lanky rapist might conceivably exhibit.
Also, if I sat directly next to someone, they might talk to me, and that would freak me out. Plus, if I had already taken my shirt off, I would be uncomfortable replying to them - BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT A RAPIST WOULD DO!
There's been a weird phenomenon at the pool at the off-peak times at which I frequent it. I've gone 3-4 times, and every single time there has been exactly ONE 20-something woman sunbathing and ONE parent/babysitter with 1-2 children. And these categories have never been filled by the same people twice. So there's always one similarly aged woman that I need to make sure doesn't think i'm a rapist, and one person who is slowly but gradually worn down by the task of watching kids at a pool. It's a surreal kind of deja-vu every time I go.
The last time I went to the pool, I was planning on making a whole afternoon of it. I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before, and it seemed like a really good idea to just fall asleep poolside. That way I'd get a nice nap, and maybe I'd be able to take my shirt off and not have people wonder if I had spent the summer in Reykjavik. So I got myself all covered up with sunscreen to keep myself safe. I made extra-sure to remember to get my feet. I always forget my feet. When you're 6'4'' and not very flexible, it takes a lot of effort to rub something on your feet. You have to really want it.
Nonetheless, I didn't put any sunscreen on my face. For whatever reason, it always seems like my face is the hardest thing to get tanned. And I really like getting sun on my face on account of the fact that it makes me look more appealing to myself. And someday I hope to be wrinkled.
Anyway, I was all onboard with the no-sunscreen-face plan until I got out there, and, as the expression goes, the sun hit the face. It was then that I realized some important things.
1. I like my face.
2. If I had to choose the part of my body I would least like to be burned by the sun, it would probably be my face.
3. If I had to choose the part of my body I would least like to be inflicted with skin cancer, it would probably be my face.
So this left me in kind of a pool pickle, because I had already made the strenuous 50 yard walk to the pool and had stupidly left my sunscreen back in my apartment. So, it was going to take a lot of effort to go back and get that. And, as I mentioned, I had already reached all the way down to my feet just minutes earlier. So I was pretty exhausted. Plus, why would I leave the pool merely minutes after arriving? What would other people think? That I had forgotten my special rapist hat?
I ended up spending an uncomfortable couple of hours wherein I would alternately cover my face to make sure that I wasn't getting my face burned off, but also not cover my face for too long so as not to suggest that I was trying to avoid being recognized as a known rapist.
In conclusion, I am not a rapist and it is very important to me that you realize that. I am, however, a ridiculous person.
I don't have a lot of issues about my own body, so it's not that I mind there being other people around to enjoy my comically lanky physique. Instead, for whatever reason, I operate under the assumption that if I take a deck chair immediately next to someone (even if it's the only one left available at a crowded pool) they will immediately assume that I am a perverted lanky person who is out to rape them. This is not a rational thought. I have not polled people on this issue. Nevertheless, it is the basic assumption under which most of my pool etiquette operates when I'm just a lone guy at the pool. Everything I do has to be very kosher and all of my behavior has to be very purposefully antithetical to any kind of behavior that a casual, lanky rapist might conceivably exhibit.
Also, if I sat directly next to someone, they might talk to me, and that would freak me out. Plus, if I had already taken my shirt off, I would be uncomfortable replying to them - BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT A RAPIST WOULD DO!
There's been a weird phenomenon at the pool at the off-peak times at which I frequent it. I've gone 3-4 times, and every single time there has been exactly ONE 20-something woman sunbathing and ONE parent/babysitter with 1-2 children. And these categories have never been filled by the same people twice. So there's always one similarly aged woman that I need to make sure doesn't think i'm a rapist, and one person who is slowly but gradually worn down by the task of watching kids at a pool. It's a surreal kind of deja-vu every time I go.
The last time I went to the pool, I was planning on making a whole afternoon of it. I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before, and it seemed like a really good idea to just fall asleep poolside. That way I'd get a nice nap, and maybe I'd be able to take my shirt off and not have people wonder if I had spent the summer in Reykjavik. So I got myself all covered up with sunscreen to keep myself safe. I made extra-sure to remember to get my feet. I always forget my feet. When you're 6'4'' and not very flexible, it takes a lot of effort to rub something on your feet. You have to really want it.
Nonetheless, I didn't put any sunscreen on my face. For whatever reason, it always seems like my face is the hardest thing to get tanned. And I really like getting sun on my face on account of the fact that it makes me look more appealing to myself. And someday I hope to be wrinkled.
Anyway, I was all onboard with the no-sunscreen-face plan until I got out there, and, as the expression goes, the sun hit the face. It was then that I realized some important things.
1. I like my face.
2. If I had to choose the part of my body I would least like to be burned by the sun, it would probably be my face.
3. If I had to choose the part of my body I would least like to be inflicted with skin cancer, it would probably be my face.
So this left me in kind of a pool pickle, because I had already made the strenuous 50 yard walk to the pool and had stupidly left my sunscreen back in my apartment. So, it was going to take a lot of effort to go back and get that. And, as I mentioned, I had already reached all the way down to my feet just minutes earlier. So I was pretty exhausted. Plus, why would I leave the pool merely minutes after arriving? What would other people think? That I had forgotten my special rapist hat?
I ended up spending an uncomfortable couple of hours wherein I would alternately cover my face to make sure that I wasn't getting my face burned off, but also not cover my face for too long so as not to suggest that I was trying to avoid being recognized as a known rapist.
In conclusion, I am not a rapist and it is very important to me that you realize that. I am, however, a ridiculous person.
posted by Bret at 2:10 PM
1 Comments:
That sounds like something a rapist might say...
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